Black is back

Tuesday 25 December 2007 - Filed under General

When manufacturers want to set apart their premium products from the rest of their crap, they often slap a few words before or after the basic product name. This makes it easy (or not so easy) for buyers to distinguish top-dollar products from very similar, cheaper, low-end products.

Car companies like doing this a lot. Take, for instance, the Subaru Impreza. By itself, “Subaru Impreza” stands for your basic Japanese econo-box car (albeit with all-wheel drive, woot). Append the letters “WRX” to the end, and you have yourself a car that every boy racer has wanted for over a decade. Go another step further and append “WRX STI”, and you get fans of the marque drooling for a test drive.

Impreza < WRX < STI:

Some car manufacturers are a little more subtle. Honda does the DX, LX, EX thing. Toyota? LE, SE, and XLE. BMW has M. Audi has S and RS. Mercedes has AMG. You get the picture. Do this for every product in every flavor, and it becomes hard for the average buyer to find that one special product to really spend their money on.

Enter Blackness. Yes. Black. Everyone is on board with black now. Makes it easy for the discerning buyer (you) to spend an extra dollar or two

The original may be Johnnie Walker Black Label whiskey. Of course, they have Red, Green, Gold, and the coveted Blue labels as well. But we’re concentrating on black for now.

Mercedes recently got on the bandwagon with their comically-named Mercedes-Benz CLK 63 AMG Black Series super-coupe. Oh, they also had the SLK55 AMG Black Series supercar. Still, it seems like a seriously premium product deserving of the “black” label.

Well, how about the Odyssey Black Series golf clubs? First, click the link and marvel at its similarity to the CLK 63 AMG Black Series web site. Looks like “black series” makes it impossible to not use a black background and dark colors. But back to these premium clubs. I don’t play golf, so I have no idea. But I do know this: these must be better than Odyssey’s non-Black Series clubs.

Cars and clubs not your speed? How about clothing? Ralph Lauren has the Black Label Resort Collection for your buying pleasure. They take the idea of “black” to new level. Reading the description, “… new styles in bright whites and blue accents define the season’s chic look”. Hmmm. No black to be found. But still, better than the “regular” Ralph Lauren.

Since you’ve got the whiskey, the car, the clubs, and the shirts, you must be going on a trip. No travel is complete without luggage. To the rescue is Samsonite Black Label, complete with their very own domain name. No information as to how these are better than the other crap they sell, just know that you get “bespoke style as unique as you are”. Awesome.

Now, if appending Black Label/Series to regular products just doesn’t make you stand out enough, why not try on some Black Label clothing courtesy of Rita DiLorenzo. No appending anything here. The whole shebang is just called Black Label. Now that’s exclusive.

Of course, Black Label-ing products can’t be just for the well-dressed. What about the geek/tech market, you ask? Don’t worry, AMD has you covered with their super-l33t AMD Athlon 64 X2 Black Edition 5000+ processor. So far as I can tell, this gets you a regular CPU with an unlocked clock multiplier in a black box. Oh, excuse me, that’s an all-black collector’s edition box. Since you are part of the club, you can download cool graphics and stickers for your water-cooled transparent case right here.

Now, if that isn’t just the right set of blackness for you, don’t forget to get EA’s Need for Speed: Most Wanted, Black Edition. Certainly, a great message to send to our African-American gaming youth.

Don’t want to drive, wear, pack, play, or process your specialness? How about eat? Ghirardelli makes a Black Label Chocolate Sauce to set the tone at your next holiday party. For that extra something, try Wheeler’s Black Label Vegan Ice Cream! Awesome website.

And for that extra oh crap punch at the morning breakfast table, why not strap on some Hormel Black Label bacon? Honestly, I never thought I’d be typing the words “black label bacon” and uploading a picture named “blacklabelbacon.jpg”. Oh, here it is:

There you go. We’ve reached the pinnacle of product differentiation through naming schemes. Repeat after me: black label bacon.

What. The. Fuck.

But seriously, where can I get some? What’s next? Products with other colors? Pink? Red? Nah.

2007-12-25  »  mark